Persephone Files For Divorce
by I'mTheGirlWhoLearnedToFly
Summary: One fine day, Persephone decides to file for divorce. Zeus ends up becoming the judge of the madhouse-erm, court. Athena and Hera battle it out, lawyer-style. Aphy is betting, Hades is sleeping, Demeter is swearing and Zeus just wants something for his migraine. 100% pure crack. Re-revamped. Complete. [Now in Italian!]
1. Prologue

**I don't own anything. Not PJO****, not Britney Spears, not How I Met Your Mother, not Vampire Diaries. Don't ask.**

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><p><strong>Prologue<strong>

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><p>"Father!" Persephone wailed at the summer solstice, "I have decided to take a stand!"<p>

"What do you mean, Persephone?" asked Zeus, confused –and why Demeter was looking so gleeful?

"I mean, I'm done with Hades! Like, the only reason I'm married to him is because he freaking abducted me!"

"You're _done _with Hades? How can you be 'done' with Hades?"

"I mean, I'm filing for divorce!"

There was stunned silence in Olympus at that.

"You're-you're-you're _what_?" spluttered Zeus. "You can't get a divorce from Hades!"

"Oh, don't be such a fuss-pot, Zeus, of course she can!" Demeter said impatiently. "It's high time she did, too! And seeing the way he's treated her, looking at all his past affairs with other mortal women, I'd say she was even entitled to half the assets, and-"

"Oh, hang on just a minute!" Hades interrupted, leaning forward, "I haven't had any affairs for 70 years! And don't say it was because of the pact-look at Poseidon! And Zeus! Especially Zeus, he had two demigod children _despite_ that damn pact!"

Zeus blushed. "Well, Jason was born to my Roman side, so I'm not sure it really counts-"

"Oh, yeah? Well, it counts, Zeus, it counts," Hera said, glaring at him. "Hades is right. Two demigod children? Despite the pact? Just who do you think you are?"

Zeus tried to say something, probably, 'I'm the lord of the heavens!' or something, but Apollo beat him to it, bursting into song. "Womanizer! Woman-womanizer! You're a womanizer! Oh womanizer! Oh you're a womanizer-"

"Will you _shut up_ with your Britney Spears!" Zeus thundered (thundered? Pun? Get it? Ah, forget it…), "Otherwise, Apollo, I swear I will cut your pocket money for a decade!"

Apollo stared at him. "You-you can't do that!" he cried.

Zeus's eyes narrowed dangerously. "And _why not_?"

"Because-because I'm immortal!"

"So? _I_ am you immortal father! Now shut up. I can't stand your singing."

Apollo looked dazed. Finally, he croaked (read: whined), "But you can't _do_ that!"

A silence fell over Olympus.

"Do you mean"-Zeus's eyes glittered in fury-"that _I, _the lord of the skies, the king of Olympus, the one who can control the thunder and lightning_ cannot slash his son's pocket money?"_

"Damn," Aphrodite muttered, "He's having a hissy fit."

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><p>*five (extremely loud) minutes later*<p>

Hera turned to Persephone. "I'm sorry, Persephone, but you cannot break an ancient marriage like yours. We are women, we must suffer in silence-"

"Oh, shut up!" Athena broke in rudely, "What happened to equality? There should be equality between men and women, and gods and goddesses too!"

"Athena, is this _really _the time to break out the feminism speech? Can't you just let it _go_?"

Athena's eyes seemed to turn red. Her lips whitened. It looked like smoke was going to pour out of her ears any moment. All in all, she looked like a mix between a vampire and a steam engine.

"Let it _go?_ Women are being denied equal rights and basic human amenities simply due to accident of birth, and you want me to-"

"Now _she's_ having a hissy fit," Aphrodite sighed, lolling back in her throne, "Why does everyone seem to have a tendency to have hissy fits?"

"-let it _go?_ Female foeticide is a serious issue which is causing a drastic decline in the sex-ratio, and the female infanticide problem is just as bad! Women from almost all sections of society have to-"

"I don't have hissy fits," Hermes said virtuously as he checked his messages on his BlackBerry. Or at least, he pretended to. Everyone knew that he was just playing Brickbreaker.

"No, _you_ have hissy fits, too. Remember when your Facebook account wasn't working? You ended up crashing most of America's internet."

"Oh, come _on_, that was _one time!_" Hermes protested.

"-face prejudice because of severely patriarchal societies, when _they_ are the truly important-"

Hades, who was sitting next to Athena, started snoring.

"BURN ALL THE MEN!" Artemis screamed, her emotions apparently bubbling over, "AND TURN THEM ALL TO SKUNKS-"

"AND TREES, TO MAKE BOOKS FROM-"

"-AND SUSHI!"

"And _sushi?_" Dionysus asked.

Apollo shrugged, "I got into a haiku groove in Japan. She developed a fondness for raw fish."

"I don't like addictions to raw fish. Or eating fish or any kind, in general."

"We know, Poseidon. Don't worry, no one will eat Mr Ploopycootchiepants," Apollo assured him. Satisfied that his beloved porpoise was safe, Poseidon settled back in his throne.

"-AND THEN WE CAN COAT ALL THE MALES WITH HONEY AND CHUCK THEM INSIDE BEE HIVES!"

"-AND THE ROAST THEM SLOWLY BEFORE THROWING THEM INTO A BOILING VAT OF ACID!"

"_This _is why we don't leave Athena and Artemis together for an extended period of time…"

"I WANT A DIVORCE!" Persephone finally screamed.

They fell silent. Hades woke up, looking around blearily, "Eh? Did they finish committing mass genocide?"

"Wake up, Hades, otherwise I know of _one_ male who's going to be dead within the next three seconds," Hera snapped, "Persephone, you CAN'T get a divorce."

Athena turned to Persephone, "Screw Hera, of _course_ you can get a divorce! Why, I'm surprised you-and Demeter-didn't think of this before-"

"Be quiet, Athena!" Hera said, drawing herself up, "She cannot break such a sacred marriage!"

"Sacred marriage, my _foot!_ He abducted her, dammit!"

"Hey! I'm goddess of marriage! I oppose this! In fact, I will be Hades's lawyer and fight you in court over this, if need be!"

"You're just sore because _you _can't divorce _your_ womanizer husband!"

Once again, Apollo starting singing (read: screeching), "Womanizer! Woman-womanizer-"

"Shut up!" both Athena and Hera shouted at him. He sulked away muttering something about 'no appreciation for Britney'.

"Alright!" Hera shouted, while Hermes ditched his Breakbreaker and leaned forward in anticipation-this was better than anything on TV! Well, maybe not better than _Vampire Diaries _and _How I Met Your Mother_. But close.

"Alright!" she said again, "We'll decide this in court. In an Olympian court! And you can defend Persephone while I become Hades's lawyer."

"Bring it on! I will squash you like a bug, you miserable, peacock faced, strutting loose cannon!"

"_Miserable, peacock faced, strutting loose cannon_?" Poseidon asked incredulously, "Seriously, Athena, as goddess of wisdom, is that really the best you can do?"

"Shut up, you fish breath, barnacle beard, porpoise hugging, jellyfish brained, clam headed, kelp eating pile of stinky, dribbling seaweed!" Athena yelled at him. Poseidon cowered in his seat, but then he seemed to register what Athena said.

"Whaddya mean, _porpoise hugging_?!"

But everyone ignored him.

"Fine!" Hera screamed at her, "And the day Persephone divorces Hades will be the day Hades prances around in nothing but boxers, gym socks and a cape and goes about distributing Easter eggs!"

"Hey, why are you bringing me into this?!"

"Fine!" Athena shouted back, "The day you beat me in a court case will be the day Poseidon skips around in a sundress and a hat, picking daisies!"

"Hey, why are you bringing _me_ into this?!"

"Umm...Athena? I think there _was_ a time-somewhere during 700 AD?-when Poseidon had taken fancy to doing just that..." Hephaestus murmured.

Poseidon blushed, while Athena stared at him, momentarily stunned. "You have a porpoise named Mr Ploopycootchiepants, and now you're telling me you've skipped around in a sundress and a hat picking daisies? What, are you gay or something? Poseidon, which side of the fence are you on?!"

"Of course I'm not!" Poseidon yelped.

Once again, everyone ignored him.

"Okay, a court case," Aphrodite said, looking excited. "Who's going to be the judge?"

"Zeus, of course!" both Athena and Hera chimed in unison.

"WHAT?!" Zeus yelped, "Why me?"

"Because you're, like, the top god. Who else?"

"Oh..." Zeus said stupidly.

Hera and Athena glared at each other. This dramatic moment was broken by Aphrodite, who shrieked, "Oh, I gotta start the betting!"

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><p><strong>All hail crack…<strong>

**~Fly~**


	2. Demeter Gives Her Witness

**The disclaimer stands-no, wait! This is just in, I now own Percy Jackson! I OWN PERCY JACKSON! (….somehow I get the feeling that no one believes me)**

**I _could _have censored Demeter's dialogues…but even with *s, everyone knows what's being said, so what's the point? And does Demeter seems like the hyper kind of person who would be swearing left and right if the PJO series wasn't meant for younger audiences, or is it just me? No? Just me? Okay, then…**

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><p><strong>CHAPTER 1 – Demeter Gives Her Witness<strong>

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><p>"Order in the court! ORDER IN THE COURT!" Zeus tried, and failed, to get the attention of all the Olympians. He sighed.<p>

"Hephaestus, may I borrow a hammer?"

"Well, technically it's a mallet you want, but wait a bit, I'll rustle something up..." He seemed to be enjoying himself immensely as he rustled through his tool belt. Finally, he came up with a large hammer and a megaphone, and he passed both to Zeus.

The Lord of the Sky picked up the megaphone. "May I have ORDER in the court! It's bad enough that I have to be the judge in this case! I can think of tons of ways to spend my precious time, and none of them are as crappy as this! So let's get this over with, shall we!" He banged the hammer on the desk in front of him for greater emphasis. Unfortunately, it seemed that Hephaestus had given him a slightly defective one-it gave an almighty squeak as it hit the table.

Well, it worked, in a way. Hearing a humungous "SQUEEEEEEK!" _did_ shock all the Olympians into silence. Zeus was purple in the face. What little of Hephaestus's face could be seen was purple too, only in his case from efforts to keep from laughing.

"Oh, sorry," he managed to choke out as he took the squeaky hammer back and handed another one to Zeus. Zeus eyed it warily until Hephaestus hit it on his palm to prove it wasn't going to explode or anything. Zeus took the hammer and tried to maintain whatever (little) dignity was left.

He didn't succeed. Moving on…

Zeus cleared his throat, "Over here, we have the case of Persephone verses Hades, where the former wants divorce. Hades, your views?"

He shrugged. The Lord of the Dead seemed utterly uninterested in the proceedings. Zeus paused, unsure of what to do next, when Athena said, "Oh, why don't you just call Persephone's witnesses?"

"Um. Okay. I call Persephone's witnesses."

"Ring, ring, why don't you give me a call..." Apollo sung, albeit softly-he didn't want his pocket money cut, after all. Artemis rolled her eyes and muttered something that was either 'boys are so immature' or 'my toys are in need of a manicure'. Let's go with the former.

"It's an ABBA classic," Apollo said, looking offended. He was ignored, which led to him sitting in his seat and pouting.

Demeter stepped forward, "This little bastard kidnapped my sweetie and took her to the Underworld. He fucking _kidnapped_ her, and _tricked_ her into staying! He is just _such _a royal douche! Do you have _any_ idea how much I had to fight to get him to agree to let her visit me? What kind of fucking justice is this? It's totally screwed up, I tell you!" She turned to Hades, "You colossal asshat!"

And them Demeter settled back in her seat demurely, while everyone else stared at her, shell-shocked.

"My ears are bleeding," Poseidon said finally.

"Well," Athena cleared her throat, "I guess we have pointed out how Persephone was married off against her will...That's a crime in itself. And, um, Demeter has also suffered a lot, being kept away from her daughter for so long-"

"I'll say!" Demeter interrupted. "When she's down in the Underworld, there's no spring or summer! Only shitty cold winter and cruel autumn! Because her place is up here, with her mother, not down in some stinking jerkass's literal hell-hole! And autumn and winter are crappy seasons! Nothing grows! No cereals! No harvest! Nothing!" Once again she turned to Hades. "Fuck you badly!"

"Um, Demeter?" Athena asked in a pained voice. "Maybe if we could, uh, avoid the swearing?"

"Oh, alright," Demeter sniffed, while Poseidon covered his ears.

"Yeah. Okay. So Demeter has given her witness, and-"

"Hang on a bit, Athena!" Hera interrupted. "Your honor, let it be noted that Demeter is the ultimate devil-of-a-mother-in-law! She has been emotionally torturing Hades ever since the marriage!"

"Which Persephone was _forced_ into!" Athena interjected loudly.

"SO? WHAT RIGHT DOES THAT GIVE DEMETER TO EMOTIONALLY TORTURE HADES?"

"EX-_CUSE _ME? HE FUC- HE KIDNAPPED MY DAUGHTER! I THINK I HAVE A RIGHT TO EMOTIONALLY TORTURE HIM!"

It seemed as if it was going to be reduced to fists any second. Ares was leaning forward in anticipation. "Fight! Fight! Fight!" he began to cheer.

"Silence in the court!" This voice, surprisingly, came not from Zeus but from Hephaestus. Zeus was staring off into space with a barely suppressed grin and he seemed to be brought back to earth-or rather, Olympus-quite abruptly.

"I'm sorry, what did you say? I wasn't listening after when Hera called me 'your honor'," he said, with the return of the goofy grin. Hera sighed.

"I'd like to make a point," Hades interrupted, "Kidnapping Persephone, etcetera etcetera and all that...nothing compares to Demeter's constant moans and groans, and '_you must eat more cereal' _refrains..."

"Point to be noted. Ha," Hera smirked. Zeus considered what was worse; kidnapping, or Demeter's nagging? He came to a decision pretty quickly; _obviously_ the latter.

"She's the mother-in-law from hell, and that's coming from me," Hades said, shaking his head, "Had I known she and Persephone were a package deal, I would have never kidnapped her in the first place."

Dionysus shook his head. "I don't like cereal. Oh, it's nutritious enough...but once I swallowed the decoder ring that came inside it. Have you ever tried to pass a decoder ring? NOT good for the health. And they say alcohol is bad."

The Olympians stared at him. Poseidon stuck a finger in his mouth and mimed vomiting.

"So, so far Athena has had Demeter give witness to the fact that Hades forcibly kidnapped Persephone against her will, and Hera has pointed out that Hades has already suffered a lot because of Demeter. Hm. If those are you're only major arguments, I believe I'm leaning in favour of Hera over here," Zeus mused.

"Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not yet-we have another card to play," Athena smirked.

There was a noise like a thunderclap, a suddenly a boy of around fourteen years of age was standing in front of the court. He blinked as if wondering where he had landed (understandable) and his black eyes widened as he took in the scene around him. He absentmindedly pushed back his long black hair out of nervousness. His olive skin looked slightly green from whatever power had brought him here.

"Nico di Angelo," Athena said triumphantly, "Son of Hades, result of his extra-marital affair with Maria di Angelo." She whispered to Hera out of the corner of her mouth, "Beat that."

And Nico threw up.

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><p><strong>Heh, Nico's here. Cheese :)<strong>

**~Fly~**


	3. I Now Call Upon Nico di Angelo

**I don't own PJO. But I _am_ saving up ;)**

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><p><em>...we have another card to play," Athena smirked.<em>

_There was a noise like a thunderclap, a suddenly a boy of around fourteen years of age was standing in front of the court. He blinked as if wondering where he had landed (understandable) and his black eyes widened as he took in the scene around him. He absentmindedly pushed back his long black hair out of nervousness. His olive skin looked slightly green from whatever power had brought him here._

"_Nico di Angelo," Athena said triumphantly. "Son of Hades, result of his extra-marital affair with Maria di Angelo." She whispered to Hera out of the corner of her mouth, "Beat that."_

_And Nico threw up._

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><p><strong>Chapter 2 – I Now Call Upon Nico di Angelo<strong>

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><p>"EEEW! GROSS!" Aphrodite shrieked.<p>

"Sorry," he said weakly as he wiped his mouth, "But it's not my fault that my stomach went queasy."

Athena looked a bit grossed out too, but you could tell that she was trying hard not to show it. Hera, on the other hand, hadn't yet learnt the art of subtlety. She pinched her nose as she waved her hand, making the sick vanish and leaving the floor spotlessly clean.

"_What," _Hades said, his voice tight, "_is _my son_ doing here?"_

Athena turned to her womanizing father, "I guess I don't need to go into the biology of how babies are made, do I?"

Zeus made a face.

"I shall take that as a no. So, _despite_ being married, despite being married to the woman he _kidnapped_, he has...you know..."

"Oh, come on Athena, what's so hard about saying he has had sexual relations with other women?" Demeter asked impatiently.

Athena sighed. "Demeter, young Nico di Angelo is, well, young. I was trying to keep him uncorrupted."

"Young? Uncorrupted? Excuse me?" Nico asked incredulously, "I'm fourteen years old! I helped save Olympus! I watch Two and a Half Men! Who're you calling _young and uncorrupted-"_

Demeter looked at the boy critically, "Have you been eating cereal? Because you look too skinny. Eat cereal. It'll make you a strong man."

Nico gave her an _are-you-nuts-or-what-lady_ look. He looked around, still fuming because of the 'young and uncorrupted' comment, and snapped "Why am I here at this freak show?"

Zeus stood up, suddenly furious. He knocked over his desk in the process, but didn't seem to particularly care, "How _dare_ you call this _very_ serious-"

Dionysus had a vine grow out of the ground and pull him back down, "Oh, relax, he's right. This _is _a freak show."

"Persephone wants a divorce. I support her. Hera opposes this. We are fighting this in Olympian court. And Zeus is the judge. And you are being used to argue my case," Athena informed the son of Hades.

Nico paused, assessing the situation, "If Persephone and Hades divorce, will Demeter continue pestering me about the cereal?"

"Most likely, no. Right now she is, in a very weird, twisted way, your step-mom's mother (Nico pulled a face and mumbled a barely audible "Let's not go there"). If Persephone gets the divorce, then Demeter has no relation to you. So yes, in theory, if I win, Demeter will leave you alone."

"I'm in."

"She's damn smart, isn't she," Poseidon, who had been quiet for quite some time now, spoke up. He had been sulking in his seat, but now he looked slightly nervous. The goddess of wisdom did not miss this.

"Yeah, you _should_ look uncomfortable-at least Hades didn't break the oath, unlike you."

"Hey! Look at your own dad, will you? He broke the oath twice!"

Zeus drew himself up. He took a deep breath, and it seemed as if he was going to say something very dramatic and high-and-mighty. Instead, he just shouted, "SHUT UP!"

"Oh yeah? Well, it's true!" Hera screamed at him, "Why is it just so hard for you to keep it in your pants, you know-"

"I may not be _uncorrupted_, but do I _really _have to listen to this conversation? No one wants to know whose dad screwed who, okay-"

"Whom."

"I beg your pardon?" Nico asked Athena politely.

"Whose dad screwed _whom_."

"I don't know, I don't _want_ to know!" he cried.

Athena shook her head, "No! I'm telling you that it's 'whose dad screwed _whom_'!"

"But…who's its dad? Whose dad is it?"

"What?"

"What?"

"Aargh! Forget it! Now I know why demigods' English is so bad-no one can manage to correct them!"

"Actually, it's the dyslexia-"

Athena waved her hand, "Excuses, excuses…"

"Wait, wait, wait, wait, _wait, _Nico was born, like, 70 years earlier!" Hades interrupted, "I should get some credit, shouldn't I? Look at Poseidon! Look at _Zeus, _for crying out loud!"

"Womanizer, woman-womanizer-"

"SHUT UP, APOLLO!"

"So _what_?" Athena shouted, "You only refrained because of the oath! And you had _two _kids with Maria di Angelo! One would think that this implied you truly loved her, and Nico _wasn't_ the result of a one night stand before which someone spiked the wine!"

Everyone paused and looked at Dionysus. He shrugged, "Not guilty. I didn't spike the wine...well, not this time, at least."

Everyone nodded and resumed arguing.

"Can we _please _not talk about Bianca and my mom?" Nico said, pinching the bridge of his nose and inhaling deeply.

"I agree," piped Demeter, "Let's just _please _not talk about _that woman._"

"Demeter, do want me to win this case for your daughter or not? Shut your cereal-loving face and suck it up! Maria di Angelo _has _to be used against Hades!"

Nico's eyes began smoldering with fury. Hades seemed to go from moody to furious. Like father, like son.

"I truly loved a woman, and you wish to '_use'_ her against me?" he thundered, which was weird, because Zeus should be the one thundering. Hades, living underground and all, should have _rumbled_. Poseidon...well, he would probably just slosh.

"Confession!" Demeter screamed, "He said he truly loved her!"

"We are gods! We are permitted to love people other than our immortal wife! Or husband," he tacked on as an afterthought as he looked at Aphrodite, "Zeus, do you deny this?"

Hera glared at her husband. Zeus opened his mouth, then shut it. Then he opened in again, and shut it.

Poseidon burst out laughing, "You look like a goldfish, brother! And _I'm _the god of the sea! Ha ha!"

Zeus glared at him, but he was in a fix. Hades was right-being immortal and all, you couldn't _possibly _be entirely faithful to your second half, unless you had no choice, and unless you were one of those utterly freaky, so-called 'vampires' in Twilight. He had no idea how they did it. But with Hera glaring at him...well, he couldn't just say that, could he? But if he said married gods should not have affairs with mortals, well, then, where would that put him? In a very tight spot, that's where.

While Zeus pondered this, Ares got an evil glint in his eye. Things were very tightly strung...if he gave the slightest nudge in the right direction, well...let's just say that the verbal fight might end up even better. And Ares felt that physical fights were always better than verbal.

While Olympians glared at each other, Nico di Angelo looked murderously at everyone...if looks could kill, then they all would be dead by now, immortal be damned. Actually, Ares hoped that the son of Hades didn't have a power like this...

He grinned evilly. A slight nudge in the right direction...watching family members strangle each other was the best fun ever, for sure...

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><p>…<strong>I agree with Ares. For once.<strong>

**~Fly~**


	4. When Things Turn Violent

**I don't own Percy Jackson and the Olympians. I couldn't pay the Stoll brothers enough to steal it for me.**

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><p><em>He grinned evilly. A slight nudge in the right direction...watching family members strangle each other was the best fun ever, for sure...<em>

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><p><strong>Chapter 3 – When Things Turn Violent<strong>

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><p>Ares very, very carefully honed his powers to where they would do the best work. Hephaestus and Dionysus noticed the slight red haze travelling from Ares towards the rest of the Olympians, but didn't say anything. It seemed like they were just as eager as Ares to see things turn violent.<p>

"What will it do?" asked Hephaestus quietly.

The war god grinned, "Make them loose their heads." Dionysus smirked.

Suddenly, all the Olympians seemed to go crazy. It started out when Apollo started softly singing Flo Rida's 'Low'. The provocative lyrics of the song seemed to finally drive Artemis around the bend. She hit him. He hit back. Pretty soon they were having an all-out punch fest. Ah, siblinghood.

One of their fists hit Persephone. She howled in pain. Demeter began screaming things along the lines of _how dare you harm my baby girl etc._

"Shut up, you crazy woman!" Nico howled as he jumped on the goddess, whacking her on the head with the flat of his sword.

"That's my boy!" shouted Hades as he cheered his son on, "Best demigod child of the Big Three, m'boy, THE very best!"

"WHAT?!" shouted Poseidon, suddenly enraged, "My Percy's the best demigod child of the Big Three! He's the savior of Olympus, for crying out loud!"

"Ah, shaddup, fish breath," Hades said to his brother. Furious, Poseidon began strangling him. Hades didn't take that sitting down, and soon they were rolling on the floor like two kindergarteners fighting over a lollipop.

Meanwhile, Athena and Hera were engaged in a bit of a catfight. Athena lost it and grabbed a huge bronze brazier kept nearby. Then she hit Hera on the head with it. Hera staggered, and Zeus jumped in gallantly, shouting, "That's my wife you just hit, Athena! You're grounded for a century, you are!"

Athena jumped over the unconscious goddess of marriage, and turned on her father. Eyes widening at the murderous look in Athena's eyes, Zeus spun around and ran away, trying to get away from Athena and the bronze brazier she was waving in the air.

"She's after me!" he screamed in girly terror. But when we consider the crazed goddess of wisdom running after him screaming bloody murder, he can be forgiven.

Hermes and Aphrodite were in the corner of the room, blogging furiously on Hermes's laptop.

"Quit shoving!" Hermes shouted at Aphrodite.

"_You _quit shoving!"

Aphrodite wasn't the kind to get mad and kill people with her bare hands-her manicure might get ruined. Instead she deleted Hermes's blog. He gave a howl of rage, and changed Aphrodite's Facebook status to 'I'm calling in ugly'. For the next five minutes, they fought furiously by tapping away at the computer, until Aphrodite picked up the laptop and smashed in on the ground. Then she laughed evilly as Hermes wept over the wreckage of the laptop.

Hephaestus and Dionysus were enjoying themselves thoroughly, but their pleasure was nowhere near that of Ares's. The fight ended as soon as it started, and all around the room Olympians separated themselves from whatever war they were engaged in. They cocked their heads in confusion as they attempted to process what had just taken place.

"Well," sighed Hephaestus, "that was fun while it lasted."

"So that's it, then?" asked Dionysus, tilting his head as he gestured towards their confused family members.

"Well..." Ares admitted reluctantly, "There may be a few...ah...side effects."

"Side effects?"

"You might end up impulsively saying some strange things you don't mean..."

As if on cue, Athena suddenly shouted, "I love you, Poseidon!"

She turned beetroot red. Poseidon stared at her in amazed disbelief. There was deadly silence, broken by Nico.

"_Dudes,_" he said in a strangled voice, "You can't get together. You _can't._ Because if you get married, then Annabeth and Percy become step-siblings. And they're _dating_. You just _can't._"

Athena turned a shade brighter. Poseidon looked as if his eyes would pop out of his face, and his jaw was all but unhinged.

"I-didn't-didn't mean it-something-I don't-" Athena stammered, but she was cut off by Aphrodite.

"LOVE!" she shrieked. "So cute! First Percabeth, now ATHENOPOSEIDON!"

Athena turned a shade that didn't seem humanly-or godly-possible. Aphrodite's words seem to jolt Poseidon out of his trance.

"_ATHENOPOSEIDON_?" he asked witheringly, "What kind of name is that?"

"It's catchy," Hermes mumbles, still on the floor as he grieved the loss of his laptop. Athena walked up to him in four swift steps and gave him a punch. He fell to the floor, unconscious.

"Oh, dear me," Ares said, looking mildly at the scene, "I suppose, in my efforts to make sure that the clever biscuit-"

"Smart cookie."

"-Athena didn't see through my plot, I guess I used too much power in her case."

"G_ee, ya think?"_ Athena asked sarcastically as she shot him a glare which was meant turn his blood to ice. Ares just grinned.

Zeus massaged his head, "I'll deal with you later, Ares." Obviously, he didn't take kindly to being chased by his brazier-waving daughter. He glanced around the room. "Let's just wind up this case. But-" he glanced at the mess made in Olympus "-maybe the court should adjourn. Tomorrow, we shall assemble at 2 'o' clock and hear the verdict. Thank you. Goodbye."

And the gods exited, Athena walking as fast as she could in the opposite direction as Poseidon.

* * *

><p><strong>There's a reason why this is my favourite chapter…<strong>

**Coming next: Verdict! Will Athena win? Or will Hera have another _card _to play? And why, as the author, am I asking this?**

**~Fly~**


	5. Verdict

**I imagine Aphy is going nuts trying to keep track of all the bets ;) The big question-Who's going to win?-will be answered faster if I shut up, so I'll shut up :)**

**No, I do not own PJO. Neither do I own Foaly and Opal.**

* * *

><p><em>...Tomorrow, we shall assemble at 2 'o' clock and hear the verdict. Thank you.<em>

_Will Hera have another _card _to play?_

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 4 – Verdict<strong>

* * *

><p>"What have you decided, Zeus?" Aphrodite asked, eyeing him with interest, "The stakes have reached record highs. I haven't had this much chaos since people were trying to decided whether Jason would end up with Piper or Reyna. You wouldn't believe how many people are interested in betting on the outcome. It's been quite a headache, handling all the bets."<p>

"Of course," Zeus grumbled, "Of course people would be betting. And of course I would be the judge of this."

"Yep," Aphrodite said cheerfully, "Now all the people who didn't win their bet would hate you forever."

"What did you bet?"

"Me? No bet. Too close. This marriage has been there for way too long for it to be broken off just like that. Changing all the mortal books and stories alone will take hundreds of years. Not to mention all the paperwork..." she shook her head.

"So you support Hera?"

"I guess. But who has ever heard of the goddess of wisdom losing a court case?" she asked with a grin.

Everyone waited for Zeus, Athena and Hera to take their seats. Yesterday's battle seemed to have taken its toll; Artemis was covered in scratches and Apollo had a black eye courtesy his 'little' sister. Persephone just had a small bruise on her arm, but Demeter was much, much worse off than her daughter. Every time Hades, who had as many injuries as Poseidon, would look at his son's handiwork, he would burst into a large grin. Hera didn't seem too bad, but she had a killer migraine from when Athena clobbered her. Ares was slightly subdued after his..._talk_ with Zeus, but his expression seemed to brighten as he saw the injuries. Ah, sweet memories...

"Alright, let's get on with it," Dionysus said impatiently, "So what have you decided, Zeus?"

He opened his mouth, but Athena spoke before him.

"You'd better rule in my favor, dad," she said with a glare, "Or I shall be making your life very difficult."

He tried to speak, but this time it was Hera interrupting him.

"It's come to threats, now, has it?" Hera shot at Athena, "Well, you listen here, Zeus-you'd better not displease me, otherwise I'm going to Olympus Weekly and telling them that you are a hen-pecked husband who can't even deal with his own wife, leave alone the whole Olympian council." She glared at him to show that she'd go along with this threat, too.

The poor man tried to say something, but he was cut off by an extremely angry Athena.

"Oh really? Zeus, you DO realize that if you listen to what she says, it'll PROVE that you're hen-pecked? She has _nothing_ she can blackmail you with!"

He attempted to 'air' his views (Get it? Zeus? Lord of the sky? Air? Another pun? Oh, forget it) but Hera interrupted hotly.

"And you _do_? Do _you_ have any dirt on him?"

Zeus, in vain, tried to say something.

"As a matter of fact, I plan to release the photo I have of him sucking his thumb." Athena said grimly.

Zeus opened his mouth. You can probably guess what happened next.

"He cut his thumb!" Hera shouted, "You can't possibly expect anyone to believe that he actually sucks his thumb!"

Zeus didn't know why he even tried to speak.

"Tell it to the Olympian paparazzi."

Zeus was beginning to get tired of always being cut off.

"WILL SOMEONE PLEASE LET ME SAY SOMETHING!" Oh look, he finally lost it... "SERIOUSLY! WHY'D YOU GET A JUDGE IF YOU DIDN'T WANT TO HEAR WHAT HE HAS TO SAY?!"

"Because they would argue till then end of eternity about who should win, just like they are right now," Dionysus said, shaking his head, "So what did you decide?"

"I feel that Athena should win. Seeing how Persephone never consented to the marriage in the first place, it's only fitting that she should be allowed to divorce Hades."

Demeter broke into loud cheering and applause. Hermes immediately posted this online on his new laptop. A few in the gathering looked scandalized. Hades shrugged uncomfortably. Persephone was strangely subdued.

But Hera looked murderous. "Zeus," she said quietly, "I swear, if you don't rule in my favor, then I will send you a card saying 'World's Best Brother', so help me."

Zeus paled. The only thing worse than being forced to sleep on a couch by your wife and going to her in-laws' place (although Hades definitely won the contest there) was having her treat you like her brother. Which is weirder when you, in fact, ARE her brother.

"But," he said quickly, "such a marriage cannot be merely broken like this. Been around as husband and wife like this too long, these two. So Hera won. Persephone's not getting her divorce. Congratulations. Goodnight."

He tried to leave hurriedly, but his way was blocked by an outraged Athena.

"APPEAL!" howled Demeter, "I WANT AN APPEAL!"

"Zeus, are you on _crack_? I'm going to start a rebellion!" Athena shouted in his face, "THIS is our ruler? You watch what I do to you! Be prepared to be booted off the throne, thunder thighs!"

"Thunder thighs...now THERE'S a good insult." Poseidon said approvingly. He was still a bit freaked out about what happened yesterday. Athena went slightly pink, most likely thinking about her actions yesterday.

In the middle of all this upheaval, Hades got up and went to his (debatable) wife. He shifted awkwardly from one foot to another as he seemed to try to work up the nerve to say whatever was on his mind.

"Erm, Persephone..." he began uncomfortably, "the thing is...well...I did kidnap you, but that was also kind of because I didn't know how to make a highly charming proposal. And of course, you couldn't say no if I kidnapped you. So."

The din slowly quieted as they seemed to realize what was happening. Demeter was staring at Hades as if he had just admitted to cuddling with Mr Ploopycootchiepants.

The enraptured audience seemed to make him even more uncomfortable, but he continued anyway. "And I would have filed for divorce a long time ago, too, you know, what with Demeter being a psycho wombat...but I wouldn't actually divorce you, because...well, the thought of...um, of not being...I mean, like, uh...losing you...would be, erm...that is to say...ah, quite unbearable." He shifted once again, his eyes finding something very interesting on the floor.

Persephone looked as if she couldn't believe what he was saying. Her face slowly split into a large grin and her eyes began to shine, "You mean it? You really mean it?"

He frowned. "Yes, but if you still want a divorce, then of course I understand..."

"Oh, to Underworld with the divorce!" she cried passionately, "I wouldn't have even filed for divorce I mom didn't pressurize me into it!" Saying this, she threw her hands around a very surprised looking Hades and gave him a passionate kiss.

After he seemed to get over the shock and Persephone pulled away, Hades smiled crookedly, "Maybe I should have said 'I love you' a bit more often, eh?"

His (definite) wife beamed.

"Well," Zeus said, trying to keep a straight face (but the shock was still prevalent), "I guess it's good that, for whatever reason, I decided not to divorce them, huh?"

Athena glared at him, "You're a pathetic leader, but alright, by accident or not, you can make the right decisions," she said grudgingly.

"Really?" He did _not_ expect this.

"Of course," she said, her mouth curling up in the barest hint of a smile, "I guess you were a good choice for this job, after all."

"Oh." Zeus still didn't understand. Was she being sarcastic? Or what? He decided to leave it and put it out of his mind.

"Well, the papers will go crazy for sure," Hermes said, shaking his head, "My blog alone has got 364,412 hits till now. And we're not even talking about the likes on my Facebook status."

"He'll do," Demeter said, gesturing at Hades. At first no one got it, but then what she said seemed to sink in.

"_He'll do?_" Aphrodite gaped at her, "Did you just say the very words I never thought I would hear you say?"

"Well, he needs to eat more cereal, definitely," she amended. "But otherwise...yes, I guess he's alright if he makes-and keeps-my Persephone happy."

"Oh, mother!" her daughter cried as she gave her mother a hug. Both women were teary eyed as they pulled apart, and Aphrodite muttered something either 'it's all the hormones' or 'I want an ice cream cone'.

"632,217 hits!" shouted Hermes.

"Love!" Aphrodite wiped away a tear, "Hadesephone would DEFINITELY be my OTP...if, you know, I wasn't totally loyal to Fopal…"

"Fopal? You ship FOALY and OPAL? Aphy, are YOU on crack..."

"74.3% of all marriages," Hera said as shook her head, "that ended in divorce or separation would have lasted had there been communication between the husband and wife."

"54.3% of all statistics are made up on the spot," Hephaestus said seriously.

"Ok, let's go party, people!" shouted Dionysus.

And Hades and Persephone followed the rest of the council will broad smiles, looking for the first time like the husband and wife they were.

* * *

><p>"<strong><em>Of course," she said, her mouth curling up in the barest hint of a smile, "I guess you were a good choice for this job after all."<em>**

**Athena always, always has a plan. Never forget that, people. She's not gonna let Zeus off the hook that easily.**

**None of the figures quoted are true. After all, 54.3% of all statistics are made up on the spot XD**

**~Fly~**


	6. Aftermath

**If I owned PJO, I would also own HoO, and if I did, I would have written Piper a bit better.**

* * *

><p>"<em>Of course," she said, her mouth curling up in the barest hint of a smile, "I guess you were a good choice for this job after all."<em>

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 5 – Aftermath<strong>

* * *

><p>Zeus sighed as he entered his room. Handling cases like this was a tough job! He was glad that it was finally over.<p>

That was when he noticed a pile of manila envelopes sitting on his desk. They had the sign 'Hermes ExpressMail' on them.

Curiously, Zeus picked up the packages, and then opened the first. It had "To: Zeus, From: Hermes' on it. It read:

_Zeus,_

_Good job on the case! Athena was right-very good choice, you were! Hope you like the letters I've been asked to mail to you. By the way, can we renegotiate my duties? Too much work to do as the messenger of gods! Do you know how many emails Aphrodite alone sends? And then there's Hephaestus ordering machine parts every second day. Killing me, I tell you! So if you're up to deciding another court case, maybe we could deal with this contract? Get me a secretary or something like that, I think._

_Hermes._

With increasing horror, Zeus opened up the next envelope. This one was from Hephaestus.

_Zeus,_

_If Persephone filed for divorce, then I want one from my wife, too. I don't imagine she'll have a problem, but I tire of catching her with her innumerable boyfriends._

_Hephaestus._

From Aphrodite:

_Zeus,_

_One word: divorce. Seeing how you forced me into this marriage, I should be allowed to exit it._

_Aphrodite._

The next one was from Artemis:

_Zeus,_

_Get it into Apollo's head already: I'm NOT his LITTLE sister. And do something about the haikus._

_Artemis._

And Apollo:

_Yo, dad,_

_About Artemis, well, yeah we're twins, she _looks_ younger! She just whipped out some kind of godly birth certificate to prove that she was technically born first, but I still say she IS my little sis, because she LOOKS younger than me. Tell her to get that straight._

_And if she can love sushi, I can love haikus._

_The Awesome Lord Apollo._

_PS-A mortal publisher refused to publish my haikus. He threw them in the trash, saying they were complete crap. I wanted to blast him, but Artemis stopped me. THIS IS NOT FAIR, DAD._

_AND I WANT MY POCKET MONEY PROVISIONS REINSTATED._

He shivered slightly when he saw the next one was from his wife.

_Zeus,_

_I want my duties changed. Just because I'm goddess of marriage shouldn't mean I can't divorce._

_Your sister,  
>Hera.<em>

He groaned. Apparently, Hera was still sore about how Persephone and Hades got their happy ending, while _she_ was stuck with the womanizer husband. He would have to send her a huge bouquet of roses to make her feel better.

He came to the last letter of the pile. It was fatter than the others.

It was by Athena.

_Zeus,_

_I don't take kindly to losing a court case. Especially not when I lost because the judge was more idiotic than a headless chicken. I won't be starting a rebellion, but I recommended that your brilliant job as a judge be put to use. I suspect you got a bunch of requests to solve petty problems. Good luck._

_Athena._

He groaned. Oh, this was just like Athena. Dreading what he was up against, he noticed the reason why the envelope was fatter than the rest.

He peeked in, and saw two clippings from a magazine:

LORD OF THE SKY: IS HE A HEN-PECKED HUSBAND? _by Athena_

and another:

ZEUS STILL SUCKS HIS THUMB? _By Athena_

Below that was a picture Athena clicked when he had cut his thumb and was sucking it to reduce the pain.

He fainted.

* * *

><p>Athena smirked. She was <em>so <em>evil. Poor Zeus...nah, not really. Maybe she should get back at Ares for making her say what she said to Poseidon...

"Hi."

She whirled around to see the god of the sea standing next to her.

"Um...hi."

There was an awkward silence, which Poseidon broke by telling her, "They were carrying Zeus out of his room on a stretcher. I read his mail. Good job."

She smiled. "Thanks," she said, feeling a warm, fuzzy sort of glow spreading in her body. She cocked her head. "So..."

"So...are you free this Friday night?"

"Why?"

"Well, there's this new restaurant which just opened...I was thinking maybe we could check it out..."

"Poseidon, are you asking me out on a date?"

"Um...yeah, I guess."

"Oh. Ok. Ok, pick me up at seven."

His face split into a wide grin. "Cool."

As Athena saw him walk away, she felt a smile of her own appear on her lips. Maybe she didn't need to kill Ares after all...

* * *

><p>Somewhere in the bushes, a reporter from Olympus Weekly shook his head. He had seen many things in his life, but this...unbelievable. The best scoop ever. He was <em>so <em>going to be promoted.

* * *

><p>"MY MOTHER IS DATING YOUR DAD?!" Annabeth screamed as she saw the latest issue of Olympus Weekly.<p>

Then she fainted.

Percy, Nico, Grover and Rachel found her like that later that evening.

"What happened to her?" Percy asked, leaning over his girlfriend.

Grover picked up the magazine. His eyes widened.

"What?" Nico asked, leaning over to see what Grover was holding.

"We gotta hide this from the Stoll brothers," said Grover in quiet panic.

But the Stolls did find it. And you can probably guess the rest.

* * *

><p><strong>I ship Athenoposeidon. But I know it'll never happen. And I KNOW it's Pothena, but I like Athenoposeidon better. Besides, Athena's the more dominating one-she'd <em>never<em> let her name be _second_.**

**The Athenoposeidon Date has been posted as a separate one-shot. Yes, it's crack, too. Really, what do you expect from me by this point?**

**~Fly~**


	7. Epilogue

**The Epilogue. I had to do this ;)**

* * *

><p>"Did you notice Percy and Annabeth acting weird today?" Travis asked his brother in a conspiratorial whisper.<p>

"Yeah, that's true. It's like they can't even look at each other without blushing furiously."

They were silent for a few moments. Then Conner said, "Get your mind out of the gutter, Travis."

Travis looked at him in mock indignation, "I was just thinking what you were thinking."

More silence. Then:

"We really should respect their privacy..."

"Huh?" Connor asked, clearly confused, "What the Holy Hades' underwear does 'privacy' mean?"

"Seriously dude, it's a gross invasion of their personal space to do something like..."

"Like sneak in their rooms and have a snoop around?"

"Exactly. It's wrong. To the worst degree."

"True."

"True."

And some more silence.

And then they both spun around as one and marched to the cabins.

* * *

><p>"Well, nothing in Annabeth's room," Connor muttered. He glanced at the door for the umpteenth time. "Exactly how did you make sure that they aren't gonna walk in here?"<p>

"Oh, it was nothing," Travis said absent-mindedly, "I just had the Aphrodite kids' perfume replaced with sul-suph-sulf-suf-oh, that rotten eggs chemical. Suphur peroxide or something."

"Sulphur daxiode, moron."

"Oh shut up, you don't know what you're talking about either. So obviously the Aphrodite kids started screaming their heads off and running around smelling like shit and that caused a very nice commotion," he shrugged, "Piece of ambrosia, really."

"Salute, brother. Not bad. Though you have a lot to learn yet, grasshopper, so don't get a big head...bigger than the one you have right now, I mean," He ducked before Travis could hit him, "Ok, nothing here."

"What are we looking for anyways?"

"I dunno. Anything from embarrassing baby photos to condom wrappers."

"Your mind is so _sick_."

"We're practically _telepathic_, our minds our so similar. You don't really have right to say anything to me."

"Touché. Percy's room?"

"Percy's room."

* * *

><p>"Oh. My. Gods." Travis looked as if someone had handed him a free pass for the world's entire stock of stink bombs.<p>

"This is gold," Connor whispered reverentially, stroking the magazine, "This is the best thing since Pranksters-R-Us had a flat 50% discount on all frog spawn stocks."

"Yeah...even better than finding out that Percy and Annabeth have-"

"Gutter. Remember the gutter."

"Bro, you're thinking the same thing. How does it make a difference if we-"

* * *

><p>MOVING ON…<p>

* * *

><p>The next morning, the earliest risers from all the cabins find the following photocopied sheets slid under their doors:<p>

**IS ATHENOPOSEIDON THE NEW PERCABETH?**

**Aphrodite cabin:**

"OMG THEY'RE SO CUTE TOGETHER! ATHENA AND POSEIDON! _AWWWW!_

**Hermes cabin:**

"Dudes, you guys are geniuses! You rock! Don't know how to thank you, man!"

"Do we get a day off chores, then?"

"No."

**Athena cabin:**

"This is a bit...awkward."

"Awkward? _Awkward?_ Our sister is dating a guy whose dad is dating our mom. They're practically step-sibs right now. And then when you see them kissing near the lake, all you can think is _awkward?"_

"Point taken."

**Ares cabin:**

"So they're dating. Their parents are dating. Is anyone being killed?"

"No."

"Maimed?"

"Nuh-uh."

"Tortured?"

"Nope."

"Killed or harmed in any other, hopefully violent, way?"

"Not that I know of, no."

"Do we care?"

"I'm guessing not."

"We don't. Now shut up and practice stabbing the dummy 50 more times.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRR RRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!

THE STRAW DUMMY, YOU *bleep* *bleep* *bleep* *bleep* *bleep* *bleep* *bleep* *bleep* *bleep* *bleep* *bleep* *bleep* *bleep* *bleep* *bleep* *bleep* *bleep* *bleep*! **NOT ME!"**

**Nico to Thalia:**

"I knew this would happen. I can never look at them the same again."

**Percy to Annabeth:**

"This is worse than the Titan War."

"Ya _think, _Seaweed Brain?"

"Occasionally."

* * *

><p>Things got better once the article announcing their break up after their first date was released.<p>

The Aphrodite cabin placed major orders for waterproof mascara. But since they weren't willing to NOT wear makeup till the new mascara shipments came (the horror! NOT) they looked like pandas with their black-streaked tears streaming from their cheeks as they mourned the loss of 'the next Percabeth'.

Camp was at its most entertained for this duration.

However, justice is extremely cruel. Despite masterminding the whole thing, the Stolls didn't get off chores, not even for a single morning.

Ah, cruel world ;)

* * *

><p><strong>I liked the Ares cabin's reaction best :)<strong>

**Thanks to all who have reviewed, favourited and/or subscribed, or just read the story and smiled.  
>And to all those who hated it too, I guess…<br>Nah, not really.**

**~Fly~**

***-*-*FIN*-*-***


	8. AN: Re-revamp and TRANSLATION!

**A/N**

**Persephone Files for Divorce is now in ITALIAN!**

***cheering in the background***

**So if you're someone who prefers reading in Italian rather than English (like Nico di Angelo-I have it in good faith that he prefers Italian, because guys speaking in Italian are extremely attractive, I believe) or just want to see how the story looks in that GORGEOUS language, here's the link:**

**www . efpfanfic ?sid=1404037&i=1**

**Of course, you'll have to remove the spaces. You know the drill, guys!**

**Thanks to ****Godness Persephone**** for translating this-thanks so much, dear, it means a freaking truckload to me! :D**

* * *

><p>You know how you go back and read your old, old, OLD stories and you think, "What the holy Hades' underwear was I thinking?"<p>

Well, what the Holy Hades' underwear was I think trying NOT to make this OOC? No wonder I failed epically. Because:

a) Persephone is never going to file for divorce. Athena and Hera are never going to battle it out in court. Zeus will never be a judge. The entire scenario is OOC.

b) The gods are crazy. Almost all of them. Completely batshit crazy. So even if I stay true to their personalities, I'll be blamed for OOCness. I agree, quite a few scenarios are more than just a little far-fetched, but Apollo singing Britney Spears? Aphrodite shrieking about love and shippings? Zeus acting like a megalomaniac? Hera perpetually playing the nagging wife role?

I believe it ;)

c) This is not supposed to be a serious story. It's supposed to be a funny story. It's not that funny when they aren't psycho...

Plus, I just like crack. A lot.

**ANYWAY**.

So I went through the whole a story a second time (yes, I seem to be a bit neurotic...I'm aware...) and, after fixing some errors here and there (typos will be the death of me, if you notice any more, please tell me) I've made it quite...cracky. Not that it needed much help, really. And added some extra bits.

* * *

><p>Oh, and <strong>The Athenoposeidon Date<strong> is a separate one-shot by yours truly.

* * *

><p><strong>Thank you once again for readingreviewing/favouriting/following/flaming-just-kdding-no-thanks-for-flamers. On the other hand, thank you for pointing out mistakes and providing constructive criticism.**

**I had fun doing this :) No regrets.**  
><strong>~Fly~<strong>


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